Let’s just see what we can get away with, shall we?
Stealing people’s attention makes you hate marketing.
Stop crying about it (unless it feels good) and read the manifesto.
Or else…
We set up Google analytics to track anyone who doesn’t click on it and serve them loud UGC video ads for the padded butt shapewear you clicked on during a crisis of confidence. (F*ck that, you’re beautiful.)
You just wanna feel something, dammit.
Not cool with being comfortably numb? Good.
Click on something.
Get hyped!
Is this a hype video about birds? Yes. What, were you looking for some other sort of explanation for this?
Get scared!
It’s so funny that you thought it would be fulfilling to visit the jungle. Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahah
Get pissed!
Because I reminded you about Bagel Bites and now you’re putting on pants so you can go to the bodega.
Become a plumber!
I might have to after I get kicked off the Internet for making this insane website.
I think this site might be very poorly designed. But imma keep goin.
Ways we can work together, explained in the context of pizza.
Let’s turn your thoughts and dreams into reality (not the x-rated ones 🍆).
🍕Brand strategy
This is like when you have an idea for a new type of pizza in your head but when you make it in your own kitchen it feels really disappointing. So then you talk to a chef and they say, “Let’s do it,” and collaboration ensues. And when it comes out of the fancy professional kitchen oven, you start crying and you’re like, “This is the pizza I’ve always dreamed of”
…but for business.
🍕Comms & campaigns
This is when you're like, "GD-it this pizza I made is the best pizza ever and I want to share it with the world." You need people to know about it. You need them to get intrigued and excited about it. You need to reach them where they sit on the couch about to eat DiGiorno's YET AGAIN (which is a travesty). And we do reach them and do intrigue them and they put on pants and come eat the pizza. And then they call their friend and they're like, "Christie, put down the DiGiorno's and get your ass over here."
🍕Experiential
This is the part where you realize that, although your pizza is 100% next-level, the vibe it gives off is the best part about it and needs to be replicated across environments. We start a pizza clothing line. We do a partnership with Lunchables that’s better than that old cold, cardboard tasting one. We open a secret popup pizza parlor under a bridge. We turn pizza into pixels and send it through the Internet.
🍕Something completely unexpected
Maybe you want to make a calzone that people can film TikTok videos inside. Maybe you want to open a pizza restaurant that only serves squirrels. What’s your really weird idea? Do you feel like it probably couldn’t be done? GOOD. Let’s figure it out. Because most of life is boring.
Blast off with BRB.
You’re down here all the way at the bottom of the page and you’re not even sure what this is yet. But maybe you like it a little bit? It’s cool, you can admit it.